Sean Ross Sapp’s WrestleMania 33 Notes! Goldberg vs. Lesnar, Cena Proposes, Hardys, Taker, Reigns, More!

Pre- Show

• Maria Menonous for the WWE Hall of Fame. I'm not joking. She's done four matches, a HOF induction, ring announcing, backstage interviewing. Plus I'd like to see all the scrubs that booed her at MSG cry.
• Shawn Michaels suggests Seth Rollins' career is over if he loses. Don't insult us, bro.
• Lita sounds rough on a lot of these pre-shows.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Neville (c) defeated Austin Aries

• This ramp is really damn long. It's such a unique visual.
• Neville is just fantastic.
• For shows like this, especially, the camera cuts and zooms need to be reduced. People don't have time to take in any imagery.
• Commercials during a kickoff match are not a new thing. Stop acting like it is. 
• Neville took a nasty bump to the outside
• Neville angrily shuts up the ref, heh.
• Cruiserweights are gonna mess around and ruin suplexes for everyone else in WWE. Aries took one on his head.
• Aries with a damn incredible discus forearm, and Neville's sell may have been even better
• Yeah, cut to a fan mid-450. Foolish production. 
• Neville rakes the surgically repaired eye of Aries, then kicks the rope into it! Red Arrow, and the win! Great stuff.
• A lot of people seemed upset that there was no DQ for the eye gouge, but Jon Jones has never been DQ'd, either.

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Mojo Rawley wins.

• GOLDUST IN HIS OLD GEAR!!!!
• Luke Harper is in this too. 
• Damn, it's not gonna be Braun throwing everyone out.
• Big Show out. Oh my god. Strowman is out. 
• What in the shit is Sin Cara wearing?
• Eliminating Braun was a neat way to kill every ounce of heat for this match.
• Big Show and Braun Strowman put in a lot of work and got a raw deal on this year's WrestleMania
• Tian Bing eliminates Breezango. Yikes.
• Mojo wants Dolph Ziggler to die.
• Gronk will be out for like six weeks if he touches ANYONE. Ugh, this is so transparent and bad. 
• God damn, Gronk is huge. By WWE standards.
• Mojo wins.
• The Big Show's weight problems did not die on the old rugged cross for these sins.
• TIP: If you manage to get a WWE gig, get famous friends. Find the biggest mark celebrity you possibly can.

Intercontinental Championship
Dean Ambrose (c) defeats Baron Corbin

• Ambrose, early on, takes a tough bump into the ring post.
• Baron Corbin busts out a little new offense. This is important in general, and particularly on the WrestleMania show.
• Meanwhile, Ambrose's offense is stale and has been for years. Corbin's psychology was actually built around this at the end of the match.
• This match would have been six minutes on the main show. I'd imagine the Smackdown women's match will be short, now.
• Ambrose flips out of an End of Days, hits his finish and wins. 
• Mediocre at best, honestly.
• You just know they'll do a rematch Tuesday.

New Day!

• Forced Final Fantasy references by Cole. Ugh.
• Kofi has to be terrified on that bike and that ramp.
• Xavier accidentally set himself up for a "who?" chant.

AJ Styles defeated Shane McMahon

• No problems with these two trading holds. Jon Jones got taken down by Alexander Gustafsson. Nothing is impossible 
• Shane's striking it pretty crisp. SNUG.
• Shane takes a nasty bump over the announce desk and sells it great.
• I get the feeling that AJ is coasting, and Shane is giving it his all, which is kind of the story.
• Shane McMahon uses an Angle Slam, which is a nice touch. His lazy cover is too lazy for a non-worker, too.
• Shane is gassed out. They put over how good his cardio is, but that was Otunga, so oh well.
• You can tell Shane really has some MMA training under his belt.
• Shane catches AJ in a triangle choke off of a 450 attempt! 
• AJ turns it into a Styles Clash. Yeah, Shane McMahon should never kick out of a Styles Clash. Ever.
• REF BUMP. Shane stops an AJ coast to coast and does his own.
• Insane that Shane McMahon is still able to do Coast to Coast at his age.
• Table elbow drop! Nobody home!
• NOBODY HOME ON A SHOOTING STAR WHAT PRESS.
• Forearm! AJ WINS! Incredible match.

United States Championship
Kevin Owens defeated Chris Jericho (c)

• Chris Jericho has a light up scarf and a giant list!
• Jericho starts out about as high paced as he can at 46.
• Owens lands a stiff super kick. 
• There's a really cool spot where three straight ariel moves result in Jericho or Owens getting the knees up. It plays to the "well-scouted" story well.
• Owens locks Jericho in the Walls of Jericho! Then Jericho reverses a cannonball into a Walls of his own!
• Jericho kicks out of a pop-up Powerbomb, and reverses another into a Codebreaker.
• I howled in laughter over the one finger on the rope. Owens gets ONE FINGER on the rope.
• Owens powerbombs Jericho on the apron for the win. Great continuity. That's how Owens kills off all his besties.

WWE Raw Women's Championship
Fatal Four Way Elimination
Bayley (c) defeated Charlotte Flair, Sasha Banks and Nia Jax

• Bayley's Macho Man inspired gear is always so cool. 
• Sasha and Charlotte also have neat entrances.
• Nia Jax is a wrecking ball early on. Booked beautifully.
• Scary double back suplex on Nia. I worry about her taking moves like that.
• A triple powerbomb and pin put Nia Jax out.
• It's DIVE TIME. 
• A great exchange results in Sasha being eliminated. Didn't see that coming. 
• There's a great super back body drop and Bayley wins with a flying elbow drop!!
• Not gonna hear me bitching. I keep saying I want non-finishers to finish matches all the time.

Hall of Fame

• SILENCE for the RNR Express.
• Big pops for Teddy Long, Kurt Angle.

Raw Tag Team Championships
Ladder Match
Hardy Boyz defeated Anderson & Gallows (c), Enzo & Cass, Sheasaro

• Giant pop for Enzo & Cass
• Those suits and Kilts are fucking hideous, but I get what they were doing and it was neat.
• Luke Gallows with that WrestleMania tan. Or as us normal people call it – "90 percent tint"
• New Day comes out and adds a fourth team to the match….The Hardys!!!
• Enzo fucks up an Eat Defeat spot.
• Cass hit a great boot on Jeff Hardy.
• This is really sloppy, but the crowd is into it.
• A great Brother Nero chant after he gets Brogue Kicked onto a pile. 
• Cass tries to push Enzo up the ladder, but they get stopped.
• Jeff hits a psychotic swanton onto ladders! WOW! The Hardys are new champions!
• Incredible. The most decorated four months in American tag team history!

John Cena & Nikki Bella defeated The Miz & Maryse

• John Cena runs hilariously. 
• Miz is super over as a face here, and he's letting it get to his head. Which is exactly what his character would do.
• Miz is whipping Cena's ass. Lawler tried to cover for the crowd. Shut up, Jerry.
• Miz sacrifices himself for Maryse, kinda cool.
• Cena and Nikki hit their finishes for a double pin.
• John Cena proposes to Nikki Bella, and the crowd of dicks gives a mixed reaction. 
• Storyline jorts explanation!
• John Cena wrestling with a ring that big in his pocket is Dave Chappelle MTV Cribs level baller shit. 

Non-sanctioned Match
Seth Rollins defeated Triple H (w/ Stephanie McMahon)

• Holy shit Triple H's tricycle is not passing a wellness test. 
• Triple H had to store that water forever. 
• Rollins had a pretty cool "Kingslayer" inspired entrance.
• I was thrilled they didn't lock up. That would have been dumb, Those two went right at it.
• Triple H is brilliantly working over Rollins' knee. He jumped off of office chairs.
• They played off of Rollins' first knee injury, with a sunset flip powerbomb injury. Well done.
• This is a change of pace I like a lot more than last night's Roode/Nakamura snoozer.
• Rollins throws one great frog splash. Also, I love a good Falcon Arrow.
• Triple H's obsession with the sledgehammer at all expense is kind of funny.
• I bought the Triple H Pedigree as the finish.
• Why is Rollins doing a Phoenix splash with an injured knee?
• Five Pedigree teases in a row. That rules. 
• Triple H knocked into Stephanie, who is knocked through a table! Stephanie would only get her comeuppance via Triple H.
• Rollins with a Pedigree and win! I liked that.
• No Samoa Joe? I hope he attacks Pitbull.

WWE Championship
Randy Orton defeated Bray Wyatt (c)

• Randy Orton has a snake on the ramp of his entrance, but it kinda looks like a sperm.
• Bray Wyatt turns the ring into a maggot farm and the crowd loves it. The same with a worm farm.
• Otherwise, this match sucks ass.
• Randy Orton isn't that guy. Stop trying to make him that guy.
• RKO on the floor gets a smattering of applause.
• Zero heat for this match. 
• More bugs on the ring. RKO. Orton wins.
• Man, that was trash.

WWE Universal Championship 
Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. Goldberg (c)

• Goldberg remembered he had hands, used it to open up his door. 
• If you wanna know how the match plays out, very similar to how I laid it out on the members only show.
• Suplexes, spears, barricade breaks, Jackhammer. Lesnar kicks out. This is a hoot. 
• Lesnar jumped 42 feet in the air to avoid a spear.
• TEN SUPLEXES. F5. Brock Lesnar kills Goldberg.

Smackdown Women's Championship Match
Naomi defeats Alexa Bliss (c), Carmella (w/ James Ellsworth), Natalya, Becky Lynch, Mickie James

• James Ellsworth's gear is great.
• Natalya's is too.
• Mickie James isn't even wearing pants, and still kept the flappy ankles. What the hell.
• I like Becky's hair. That's neat.
• This is a cluster, made worse by bad production.
• Becky hits an exploder on Ellsworth. Great.
• The crowd just isn't into this. 
• Natalya tried a double Sharpshooter and couldn't get it done, and the production team saved her.
• Why wasn't that a pin on Naomi? Carmella was on top of her for the Sharpshooter attempt. 
• This is a cluster. Naomi wins with a new submission. Neat!

No Holds Barred
Roman Reigns defeated The Undertaker

• Jim Ross' voice makes my ears feel good.
• My wife predicted that Taker would emerge halfway up the ramp.
• Reigns showing zero fear.
• Undertaker's entrance was at five and a half minutes.
• Undertaker ejects Reigns twice to establish that it's his yard. NICE.
• Taker did the early 90s spot over the top rope! 
• Reigns is taking some stiff strikes from Undertaker. Taker is really laying them in there.
• They fixed a table from earlier, and Roman Reigns spears Taker through it. One looked like it was going to give anyway.
• Undertaker sits up, and Reigns puts the boots to him. 
• Roman Reigns eats a Last Ride after a "ten punches" spot. He'd also to powerbomb Kidman.
• A chairshot is not a hold! 
• Roman Reigns is a master of the 2.9999999 kickout. Powerbomb, Chokeslam, Tombstone. He had me sold on all of them.
• A Tombstone reversal spot DIED A DEATH.
• Why is there a rope break in a No DQ match? This match has fallen off a cliff since the Tombstone botch.
• Reigns goes full Austin WrestleMania 17 on Taker with the chair. He can't believe Taker is getting up. Cool story here.
• Taker kicks out of a spear! Another! Wow!
• Taker tries to sit up, but his body gives out. 
• Taker tells Reigns he doesn't have the balls to finish him off. He does. 
• Taker leaves his gloves in the ring. It looks like he's done. Heartbreaking.