By Alex Pawlowski –

Welcome to the weekly Main Event Recap, where I watch Main Event so you won’t have to.

Half of the time, the content is crap. Usually 3 matches with bottom-feeding talent, or occasionally a slumming upper-mid-carder will come down and have a match. Sometimes, the matches are pretty great. In these cases, I’ll let you know when to seek things out.

Main Event is available on Hulu on Wednesday nights, 24 hours after it’s taped, or on the Network, on a three week delay.

Let’s see what this week’s episode holds in store:

Jack Swagger, Apollo Crews, and Golden Truth
vs The Vaudevillains and The Ascension
Becky Lynch vs Alicia Fox
Titus O’Neil vs Sheamus
Cesaro & The Usos vs Alberto Del Rio & The Dudley Boyz

Generic Random Good Guys vs Generic Random Bad Guys, Part 1

The first match of the evening is an eight man tag. The entrances alone last over four minutes.

First, Jack Swagger. Then Apollo Crews.

I know what you’re thinking: That’s an odd pairing.

JUST YOU WAIT.

I will mention that David Otunga says that Apollo Crews would be his #1 pick in the draft if he were General Manager. This is a thing said by someone who is paid to know things about the product and give informed opinions about said product.

Next up, Molten Poop.

Your update on the ongoing quest to find Chuck. The search parties have come up empty, the police are running out of leads and the FBI is at its wit’s end. These two individuals are wanted for questioning.

The authorities refuse to say if these men are suspects, just that they are “persons of interest” in the Chuck disappearance case. If you have any information regarding where Chuck might be Stuck, or even who Chuck is, because honestly we still have no idea, there is a tipline that is manned 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 1 – 800 – UNSTUCK, and please: Don’t give up hope. We will find out who Chuck is, we will find out where he is stuck, and we will unstick him.

#PrayForChuck

On a side note, I hate these kinds of tag matches. I hate anything that reinforces the Good Guys vs Bad Guys tropes of Professional Wrestling. And I’m not talking about “The Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend” stuff. None of these guys have had any real interaction with each other over the past month, and suddenly they’re The Teenage Mutant Jobber Turtles.

And of these four Generic Random Good Guys, only Apollo Crews has any real apparent future with the company, and considering how they’ve just forgotten to give Crews a character during his first three months on the Roster, maybe he doesn’t either?

The Generic Random Bad Guys show up one team at a time, and they make no sense either.

A few things:

1. Both of these teams should go back down to NXT and stay there. Switch the V’Villains back to babyface, sign Blue Pants as their valet, and feud them with The Ascension. Full Sail would love it.

2. It sucks how far The Villains have fallen in such a short time. I feel awful for Gotch especially. Remember when he used to do that thing where he would get a guy in a headlock or he’d be countering a back suplex, and he’d grab his own foot, and then hit that guy in the head with his own foot?

Ah, good times. Dude is supernaturally talented, and we’ll probably never get to see it on the main roster.

3. Take a look at that pic of the Ascension up there and tell me there’s not a Tumblr out there somewhere that is dedicated to ‘shipping those two. BrokebackArena.tumblr.com

4. TOM PHILLIPS, THAT DIRTY MOTHERF*CKER, CALLED KONNOR A 300-POUNDER AGAIN. HE WEIGHS TWO HUNDRED SIXTY EIGHT POUNDS, YOU SONOFABITCH. IT’S SIMPLE ARITHMETIC. “AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF 487 POUNDS” MEANS THAT IF VIKTOR WEIGHS 219 POUNDS (AND HE DOES) THEN KONNOR MUST WEIGH 268 POUNDS WHICH IS…

–let me check here oh yeah–

LESS THAN 300 POUNDS YOU SONOFABITCH.

I strongly dislike Tom Phillips. He is to me, as mustard is to Matt Hardy.

These four guys on one side of the ring together look like they’re henchmen for two different Batman villains, who have decided to work together just this once. They may not like each other, they may not trust each other, but after all, they’ve got a Bat to kill.

These Bat-villains include The Ringmaster:

He runs a traveling circus sideshow by day, and by night, he robs banks with his minions, who are all dressed like Victorian-Era circus strongmen. (This is where the Vaudevillains come in.) Maybe a few of his henchmen are acrobats. And one of them is a Lion-tamer or something. I guess there can’t be any clowns, cuz that’s Joker’s deal. Huh.

But he could have like a bearded lady who would look kind of like Braun Strowman in drag. And he’d have those fire eater guys. And they could cause a diversion by setting fire to an orphanage on the other side of town from the bank he’s robbing.

Don’t worry, there wouldn’t be any orphans in there when it burns down. They would have all been kidnapped by The Ringmaster. Well, how else do you think he recruits new henchmen? He kidnaps orphans, convinces them that no one else will ever love them, and then he teaches them to do trapeze stuff or maybe how to train an elephant to flip over a police car.

Or something.

It’s a work in progress. Sue me.

Yeah, so there’s The Ringmaster, and then there’s … uh … wow, coming up with supervillains is hard, you guys.

Uh …

F*ck it, let’s go with Stardust. I guess the Ascension have already have some henching on their résumé, don’t they?

Anyway, I think I’ve tortured this metaphor for long enough, let’s get to the match.

(Do we have to?)

Quiet, brain, we’re getting paid for this!

(Not enough.)

Well, I can’t argue with you there.

The match lasts about 45 seconds longer than the introductions. AND I AM NOT KIDDING.

(He is not kidding.)

Will you shut up? I don’t need your help.

(Well, I can see where I’m not wanted. Good day to you sir. I will take my leave.)

DUH … Golden Truth funny. Me like when me say “WE THE PEOPLE” because me think America good.

(Oh, god, he’s drowning without me. I’m back. I’m back.)

Thank God. Where was I?

(Just skip to the end of the match. The hot tag to Swagger?)

Oh. Right. Thanks.

Yeah, so Swagger is the only one in the match who looks decent at all. He gets the hot tag from Goldust and cleans house, especially Aiden English, who takes a running shoulderblock and nearly disintegrates.

This is right about where everything falls apart. Truth hits the Lie Detector on Konnor, Apollo does his moonsault from the apron onto the V’Villains on the outside, and Swagger counters a Viktor running knee into the Patriot Lock.

Winner: The Generic Random Good Guys over the Generic Random Bad Guys by Submission.

Afterwards, David Otunga speculates that Jack Swagger has secured himself a position at the top of the draft because he got the win here. In a throwaway 8 man tag. On Main Event.

Welcome back Foxy!

Alicia gets her return match against Becky Lynch on Main Event. Becky is wrestling the same match that she wrestled on Superstars against Summer Rae, and like on Superstars, Natalya is on commentary.

This last part is painful.

David Otunga is GRILLING her about why she turned heel on Becky, and Nattie doesn’t have any good answers. At one point, she says “Becky turned her back on me” or “Stabbed me in the back” or whatever, I don’t care enough to rewind and see what it actually was, and Otunga is like “When? When did she do that?” and Nattie says to him, “I love that sweater.”

Now, I see where she’s coming from, Otunga’s sweater game is definitely on point—

–but she seems to have no idea why she’s a heel now, and it only serves to expose the fact that the writers don’t have a clue either.

They really don’t seem to give a shit about building this Nattie/Becky match for Battleground, because neither of them appeared on Raw or Smackdown this week, and during this match, Nattie never even attempts to get involved.

Alicia looks good in her first match back in months. I like her new ring-gear too, very Dominatrix-y. I’d be interested in seeing her get a mini-push. If the Women’s Division ends up getting split between two show, she should be no less than the fourth most important competitor on her band. And if it’s as we all feared, and we’re not getting Bayley teaming with Sasha at Battleground against Charlotte and Dana, I’d rather see Sasha choose Foxy over someone like Paige. Hell, she could be a good running buddy for Sasha against what is sure to be the ever-expanding Heel-Charlotte version of the 4 Horsewomen.

As far as the match goes, both women are solid. Becky wins by reversing a nifty roll-up by Alicia right into the Disarm-her.

Winner: Becky Lynch by submission.

This turns out better than you’d think.

I mean, it’s not great, but these guys are both huge, and can each take and dish out a lot of punishment. It’s just two hosses slamming into each other and hey, that’s something I enjoy on occasion.

I should mention that as Sheamus comes out, Tom Phillips says that alongside Brock Lesnar, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins, that Sheamus is a possible NUMBER ONE OVERALL DRAFTPICK.

To the match. Sheamus gets Titus back in the corner and slaps him across the face. The ref separates them, and Titus explodes out of the turnbuckles, hitting Sheamus right in the mouth with a straight right hand.

From then on, it’s just these two bags of meat taking turns MANHANDLING each other. Titus eventually gains control on the outside with a running pounce thing, then rolls Sheamus back into the ring. Titus starts to do his Brackbreaker/Toss-You-Like-a-Sack-of-Stones combo, lets his guard down for a second, and Sheamus hits a thumb to the eyes then nails him with a Brogue Kick for the 1-2-3.

Winner: Sheamus by Pinfall.

It’s a nice finish to a decent match, and if this took place on RAW or Smackdown, I’d say we’d probably see more of these two brawling in the near future. But it’s Main Event, and nothing matters. If these two guys wind up on the same brand, I wouldn’t mind seeing a month-long program between them at some point down the road.

Generic Random Good Guys vs Generic Random Bad Guys, Part 2

I mean, at least here you can use the ol’ “Enemy of my Enemy is my Friend” cliche.

But seriously, did they just draw names out of a hat?

WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE FRIENDS?

(You already did this bit.)

But why though?

(It doesn’t matter.)

Yeah, but aren’t you curious about the kayfabe reasons?

(Not particularly.)

I mean, was there a sign-up sheet on the locker room wall?

(You know damn well there wasn’t.)

But what if there was?

(There wasn’t.)

But what if, is all I’m saying.

(And now you’ve said it.)

I have.

(And is there anything else to say about this match?)

Um. Cesaro wore an Usos T-shirt under his stripper suit.

(Okay. Anything else?)

No. Don’t think so.

(What about the Bubba Ray thing?)

Oh, right! Thank you for reminding me, brain!

(That’s what I’m here for. Literally.)

So more than half way through this question mark of a match, Bubba has one of the Usos (Jimmy? Jey? John? Jacob? Jingleheimer? Schmidt? I can never remember which is which.) down on the mat and he proceeds to air a few grievances.

Then Cesaro gets the hot tag, throws an impromptu uppercut party, attempts to do the Big Swing to D-Von, but Del Rio hits the backstabber, but Del Rio gets Superkicked by an Uso, but that Uso gets big booted by Bubba, and then this happens.

And then Cesaro does do the Big Swing to D-Von and transitions directly into the Sharpshooter.

Tappa-Tappa-Tappa.

Winner: The Generic Random Good Guys win by Submission over the Generic Random Bad Guys.

It’s a f*ckin’ house show, y’all.

Final Verdict:

The Sheamus/Titus wasn’t bad at all, both Becky and Foxy looked great in their match, and boy, oh boy, there sure were alot of guys in those tag matches, weren’t there?

I really hope the brand split results in an overhaul of Main Event and Superstars, too.

5.5 out of 10

Check out this week’s edition of The Superstars Round-Up,
where Becky takes Summer Rae across the TAPpanzee Bridge,
and Sami Zayn is already missing his buddy Kevin Owens.

Follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th and don’t forget to check out my coverage of RAW every Monday night.
Also, while you’re doing stuff that I tell you to do, read this preview of the Cruiserweight Classic that I wrote.
Please and Thank you.