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Tonight, it’s the go-home episode before The Royal Rumble!

Who else will enter the Rumble?

Will Brock get his hands on Goldberg?

Will Braun Strowman eat a guy?

LET’S FIND OUT!

Roman Reigns starts off the show … again.
Everyone boos … again.

Good to see they’re shaking it up this week before the Rumble.

The shark cage is in the ring.

Roman Reigns talks about how Jericho is going to be in the cage on Sunday, and that means he’s going to beat Kevin Owens for the Universal Title.

Poor Roman Reigns. I just wish he had more confidence in himself.

Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho come out and talk shit to Roman about how KO put him through the announce table last week.

Roman Reigns repeats that he’s going to beat Kevin Owens on Sunday.

Jericho says he’s a stupid idiot and it’s really funny how he beat Roman two weeks ago for his title. And he could come down there right now and teach him a lesson.

Roman is like, “does that mean I get a rematch?” Jericho doesn’t seem to want one, but KO accepts the challenge for him, saying that he’s going to put Roman in the shark cage before the end of the night.

Roman says I’m going to win the US Championship tonight, and then I’m going to win the Universal Championship on Sunday, because “I’m THE guy.”

See what I mean? He has no self confidence. Sad!

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CESARO vs LUKE GALLOWS

After last weeks debacle, they announce a tag team title match for the Royal Rumble.
With two referees.

Yeah. That oughta clear things up.

Cesaro starts out fast, hitting a springboard uppercut.

But of course, because it’s wrestling, Luke Gallows hits a big kick and takes control as we go to

COMMERCIAL

During the break, Karl Anderson got involved, clotheslining Cesaro on the outside behind the ref’s back, so Sheamus literally chased him away.

Sheamus is still out there, though.

Sigh. Just let them go back to Japan.

Cesaro fights back with a deadlift vertical suplex and takes control. Luke Gallows shoves Sheamus on the outside, but the ref sees it and tells Sheamus not to retaliate.

The ref turns his back and Sheamus clotheslines Gallows. Cesaro comes out and gets Gallows, puts him in the ring and puts him in the sharpshooter.

Anderson runs back out and kicks Sheamus in the back of his head, he falls facefirst into the apron.

The ref is distracted, Gallows gets out of the Sharpshooter, hits a flapjack on Cesaro for the 1-2-3.

WINNER: Luke Gallows

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Backstage Mick Foley is talking to Stephanie on Speaker Phone

Sami walks in, asks to be in the Royal Rumble. Mick is like “sure!” and Steph is like, “not so fast, young man.” That’s not how this works, she says. He has to beat Seth Rollins to get into the Rumble. (which is also not how it works)

Also, Steph has some kind of punishment for Seth Rollins set up. She tells Mick to take her off speaker, so we don’t get to hear what it is.

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Pre-Taped Interview With Bayley

She’s “Just Bayley.”

That’s about it.

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Backstage with Seth Rollins and Mick Foley

Foley tells Seth that he has a match with Sami Zayn, and if Sami wins, he gets Seth’s spot in the Rumble.

Seth says he now has “no choice” but to win the Royal Rumble and go on to be in the Main Event at WrestleMania, to throw it in Stephanie and “that coward husband of hers” face.

Seriously, Seth. I’m pretty sure Hunter is just hanging out over near Gorilla position. You should go fight him.

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SETH ROLLINS vs SAMI ZAYN

This has the potential to be really good with stakes attached.

But it’s on Raw, so …

There’s the customary feeling out process in a face vs face match, then they both get pissed and start beating on each other.

Seth catches Sami with a surprise clothesline, then hits him with a suicide dive.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break and Sami’s comeback starts. He sidesteps a flying knee off the top rope and hits Rollins with a Blue Thunder Bomb.

Two Count.

Rollins reverses a flying cross body into a rollup pinfall.

Two Count.

Sami hits a Michinoku Driver.

Two Count.

The two dodge each other’s top rope stuff, and Sami runs right into a Blockbuster.

Two Count.

Rollins hits a sidekick to the temple of a kneeling Sami.

Two Count.

Rollins hits Falcon Arrow.

Two Count.

(sidenote: MY GOD)

Seth pulls Sami up to his feet, and they trade vicious forearms.

Seth bounces off the ropes and hits a Kenny Omega knee.

Then hits a RAINMAKER SLINGBLADE.

He goes for a Pedrigree but Sami twists out of it, hits a Tornado Driver.

He misses a Helluva Kick.

Rollins goes for a Pedigree, gets back body dropped to the outside.

Sami goes top rope, Seth gets back in meets him on the top rope.

Seth was going to try the Pedigree from up there. Sami fought out of it, hit a HUGE Sunset Flip Powerbomb.

TWO COUNT.

He hits an exploder in the corner, but Seth rolls out to the apron.

Sami tries to hit the helluva kick out there, but Seth sidekicks him in the gut, and HITS A PEDIGREE ON THE APRON.

He goes for the pin but TRIPLE H’s MUSIC HITS.

He never comes down to the ring, Seth turns back to Sami, goes for the pin and SAMI ROLLS HIM UP IN A SMALL PACKAGE.

1-2-3.

WINNER: Sami Zayn

Seth is FURIOUS. He storms up the ramp to look for Triple H.

This was GREAT.

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Seth Rollins backstage yelling at Mick Foley.

Foley swears he didn’t know.

Seth says that “Triple H took away a year of my life.”

Which doesn’t make sense.

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TJ Perkins, Jack Gallagher, & Mustafa Ali
vs Tony Nese, Drew Gulak, & Ariya Daivari

Good, fun, cruiserweight six man tag action, with everyone given a chance to do their thing.

Mustafa Ali hits his Imploding 450 splash on Gulak.

The prettiest move in WWE.

1-2-3.

WINNER: The Good Guys.

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New Day In-Ring Segment …

… is almost immediately interrupted by Enzo & Big Cass.

Big Cass enters the Rumble.

Rusev”s music hits, he comes out with Jinder and Lana, clowns on Big E and Big Cass for having obvious adjectives in their names.

“You don’t see me going around calling myself ‘Handsome Rusev.'”

He says he’s in the Royal Rumble, too.

Titus O’Neil’s music hits.

The New Day hate Titus O’Neil seems to be the storyline here.

But he says that there’s going to be an 8 man tag.

Xavier wisely reports that Titus’ 4th man appears to be Lana.

But no, Titus says. His fourth man is …

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUNNNNNN!!!!!

commercial

Rusev, Jinder, Titus & Braun
vs
Kofi, Big E, Enzo & Cass

Ttius works over Kofi for a while and then the whole breaks down pretty quick.

Bada Boom Shaka Laka on Jinder, Titus breaks up the pin.

Everyone winds up on the outside with Enzo and Braun the legal men.

That goes about how you’d think.

WINNER: Braun’s Team.

Braun is along in the ring, celebrating and BIG SHOW’S MUSIC HITS.

He comes down to the ring, gets in.

There’s a stare down.

They circle each other, neither making the first move.

Braun smiles, shakes his head nope and gets out of the ring.

I HATE THIS BOOKING.

Braun should have WRECKED Show, proven he’s the favorite.

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CHRIS JERICHO vs ROMAN REIGNS
US Title Match

Owens is ringside, carrying his Universal Championship.

Roman Reigns takes control immediately, beating on Jericho like he owes him money.

Any time Owens gets close to Roman, Roman mean-mugs him and Owens backs down, because that’s what a champion should do and so they wrote him that way.

COMMERCIAL

Back from the break and Kevin Owens is on commentary and Chris Jericho is in control of the match.

He stays in control until he slaps Roman in the face and Roman hulks up.

Roman does his clothesline progression, then botches a Samoan drop. Jericho transitions it into a schoolboy, then punches Roman in the face a bunch.

They reset, Roman hits the Samoan Drop, then runs into a dropkick.

Two Count. Roman hits a Superman Punch on Jericho.

KO runs down and interferes.

WINNER BY DQ: Roman Reigns.

Kevin Owens calls for the shark cage to be lowered, and tries to lock Roman in the shark cage.

But Kevin Owens doesn’t know how locks work, and Roman fights his way out of the cage, puts KO in it, and calls for it to be raised.

WHO IS THIS PERSON WHO CONTROLS THE SHARK CAGE AND WHAT ARE HIS ALLEGIANCES?

With Kevin Owens locked in the cage, high above the ring, Roman beats up Chris Jericho and hits him with a spear.

This was stupid.

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After the break, they show KO getting let out of the cage by Jericho.

There’s an interview in ring by Random Stranger.

She says that The Shark Cage Match on Sunday at the Royal Rumble will be No DQ.

Kevin Owens says that stinks.

Chris Jericho agrees.

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Pre-Taped Interview with Charlotte.

She seems to think she’s going to win on Sunday.

And that Bayley isn’t in her league.

Shocker.

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NIA JAX vs JOBBER LADY

She throws her into the corner and BANZAI DROPS her, then drags her into the middle of the ring.

It took maybe 20 seconds.

WINNER: Nia Jax

She cuts a promo on Sasha Banks, saying that she ended her career last week.

Sasha’s music hits, and she comes out with a crutch.

She hits Nia with the crutch a lot, then ducks her charge, she topples through the middle ropes.

Sasha hits the flying Double Knees off the apron, then backs up the ramp, Nia up to a knee and staring her down.

Ladies and gentlemen your one in-ring women’s segment of the night.

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RICH SWANN vs NOAM DAR

Ugh. The Alicia Fox saga continues.

Swann gets the upper hand on Dar almost immediately, but as he’s running for a tope, he has to stop because Noam is hiding behind Foxy.

Then a couple minutes later, he’s distracted and ends up getting kicked in the head.

COMMERCIAL

After the break, Swann is coming back and hits his Swann Song kick for the 1-2-3 and a fairly quick victory.

WINNER: Rich Swann

After the match, Swann calls out Neville and Neville obliges, walking straight down to the ring, steps halfway through the ropes, then gets back down off the apron.

Swann nails him with a Suicide Dive, rolls him into the ring, and Neville quickly exits.

Swann is screaming for Neville, but Neville is a heel and therefore, he has to be presented as a coward.

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Backstage Interview with Cedric Alexander

He says he’s happy to put the whole Noam Dar and Alicia Fox thing behind him.

On cue, here’s Alicia Fox and Noam Dar.

She’s nuts, and Noam’s a creep.

WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING?

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GOLDBERG SEGMENT TO BE JOINED BY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE RUMBLE PROBABLY

He takes forever to get to the ring, and he’s bleeding, because he likes to headbutt metal things.

His promo is meaningless, not because he can’t remember the name of the new belt, but because no one can look at anything else besides the blood running out of the hold in his scalp.

Heyman comes out onto the stage and says that Brock Lesnar could meet Goldberg in the ring at the Royal Rumble.

Lesnar comes out and joins Heyman on the stage. Heyman talks some more, Goldberg calls Brock down to the ring and Brock walks down, circles the ring.

He gets up on the apron, steps through the ropes.

UNDERTAKER’S DONG. LIGHTS GO OUT.

BACK UP. TAKER IS IN THE RING.

LOOKS AT BOTH OF THEM.

THEY GO OFF THE AIR…

…

wait, what?