Welcome to the M.E.S.S. Round-Up.

I watch Main Event & Superstars so you don't have to.

But I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

These shows are uniformly horrible, and I think I might start drinking to dull the pain.

Last week on The MESS: Everything was terrible and we all aged one more week towards our inevitable death.

This week on The MESS: Same.

On Superstars

Neville vs Curtis Axel
Darren Young vs Jinder Mahal

Lord, give me strength.

Not happening.
It's over.
Time to give up the ghost, fellas.

Darren Young isn't great. He never was. Never going to be.

You know how I know that?

Because he's leading off an episode of Superstars, facing Jinder freaking Mahal, that's how.

The match ended quickly, but not painlessly.

I think the fact that Darren Young is so terrible at locking in the Crossface Chicken Wing, the one thing his coach is known for is absolutely hilarious.

In a Gallows Humor, "isn't ironic that we laugh now, considering that we're all slowly rotting from the inside?" kind of way.

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Make it stop.
Please.
I'm begging you.

I may have lost count, but I'm fairly sure this is the 385^th time these two men have squared off since the brand split.

It's the same match.

Over
And over.
And over.
And over.
And over.
And over.
And over.
And over.
And over again.

Neville wins this one too. Just like always.

Look, the Red Arrow is undeniably impressive.

I couldn't do that, and neither could you.

But I also couldn't eat a hundred hot dogs in under a minute, and I don't want to watch someone do that every week, either.

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This week on Main Event

Naomi vs Natalya
Heath Slater & Rhyno vs The Ascension

Not exactly a glowing recommendation.

The good news?

They finally put a Women's Division match on Main Event or Superstars, the first one since the brand split.

The bad news?

It was this match.

I mean, they're trying so hard to make Natalya believable as a heel, and nothing else has worked so far, so they just had her pretend to poop on Naomi's chest.

The ending is wonky, too:

Even David Otunga doesn't understand what Naomi did to knock down Natalya, and he went to Harvard.

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Super-stiff competition.

The Ascension are terrible, and even worse, they've started eschewing their normal red and black face paint and moved onto silver and black instead.

Oh, great.
Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse.
They're dressing up as Raiders fans.

And of course, continuing the streak, Heath Slater is nowhere near the finish of this match, and a Rhyno Gore seals the deal.

Rhyno always seals the deal.
He always does all the heavy lifting in all of their matches.

Mark my words, when Slater & Rhyno finally do break up, this is going to be a major factor.

I just hope when Rhyno turns heel on Slater, he gores a hole in the double wide.

Until Next Time, I've been Alex Pawlowski
and this is me watching this crap every week:

I think I may be losing my mind.

You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th