Welcome the first ever combined
    Main Event and Superstars Round-Up.

Abbreviated as the M.E.S.S. Round-Up, because brother, it’s a mess.

Just remember, I watch this M.E.S.S. so you don’t have to.

Previously on Superstars:  Sami Zayn went slumming, and Jack Swagger faced Jinder Mahal in a battle of Real American vs Fake ISIS:

Previously on Main Event: The Australia tour left Smackdown short on jobbers, so they had to bring in Jihadi Mahal and Sin Cara and lo, the children did weep. Also, Breezango vs The Hype Bros wasn’t too shabby (see the above video), so at least it wasn’t a total sh*tshow.

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THIS WEEK ON SUPERSTARS:

Sin Cara vs Curtis Axel
Jack Swagger vs Bo Dallas

Superstars isn’t a wrestling program. It’s a punishment from a vengeful God.

What have we done to anger you, oh mighty one?

This was rough, dude.  ROUGH.

If this is what Superstars is going to be in the hashtag New Era, I don’t want to live anymore. Not in a world with plagues such as these.

Here is the finish of the match.

The rest of it is nearly unwatchable.

Sorry if you were looking for in-depth Sin Cara vs Curtis Axel analysis.  You came to the wrong place.

WINNER: Sin Cara via who cares. Nothing matters any more.

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Lord on high, most exalted God,
what must we do to assuage your wrath?

Seriously, someone should check on Bo Dallas. He does not one, but two solo Bo Trains. It’s pitiful, really.  I don’t know why they don’t just keep him and Axel together as a tag team. They were great together.

Or ship him to Smackdown and have him run with his real life older brother, Bray Wyatt, playing his whipping boy. That could totally work.

And if not, just have mercy on the poor kid and send him back to NXT.  Full Sail remembers how great he was back in the day. They remember. Pepperidge Farm remembers. He could refine and repackage the character and maybe get a re-debut down the line. Because right now, the kid’s dead on arrival. And it’s sad.

Almost as sad as this match.

For the finish, Bo tries for the old Bo-Dog maneuver and gets caught in an upside down Patriot Lock.

Points for originality, I guess?

WINNER: Jack Swagger via Submission.
Our own collective Submission to a God that mocks our pain.

Superstars Final Verdict:

3 out of 10. And that might actually be too lenient.

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THIS WEEK ON MAIN EVENT:

Kane vs Some Dude
Baron Corbin vs Rhyno

Oh no, the Devil has sent his favorite demon to join God’s wrathful plunder.
He shall rain fire down from the heavens and conjure it from the ringposts.
Also sometimes he wears a suit for some reason.
And I’m pretty sure that’s not his real hair.
No, really, it’s attached to that mask he wears.
I know! It’s weird, right?
Anyway, LET’S ALL RUN FOR THE HILLS!

This column’s gimmick has run its course, I think.

So they brought Kane out of mothballs for a Main Event taping, and gave him a jobber to beat up on.

The jobber wants no part of it.

Can’t say as I blame him, because after Kane drags him back into the ring, this happens:

Kid makes it almost two minutes before being killed via Chokeslam.

RIP Ricky Starks. You almost made it out alive.

WINNER: Kane via being much larger than his opponent.

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So, Baron Corbin appears to be locked in a blood feud with Kalisto, where neither of them have a match on Smackdown, much less a match against each other, but every week, Corbin beats the everloving piss out of Kalisto backstage.

This is probably building to a match at Backlash, the first of several most likely, and the feud might turn out to be great. Baron Corbin is great at throwing little guys around.

But Baron Corbin is also great at throwing big guys around. Case in Point:

Animal Face-Off.

There used to be a show on Animal Planet where they’d show you a fictionalized computer generated fight between two vicious animals.  Who wins? A lion or a tiger? A leopard or a gorilla? A hippo or a bull shark? An orca whale vs the defensive line of the 1985 Chicago Bears? That last one might not have been real. Not sure, it’s been a while since I watched the show.

This was amazing television when I was a stoner in college.  We’d place bets on who we thought would win. Loser would have to buy the pizza. It was not a terrible way to spend a Thursday night after getting home from the bars. We thought it was quality entertainment.

Spoiler alert: We were wrong. Boy does this thing not hold up. The years have not been kind to Animal Face-Off. The graphics look like they were rendered on a Nintendo 64 or maybe Microsoft Paint. 

Anyway, in this episode, we have a Lone Wolf vs a Rhino … sorry RhYno.

Now, normally, you’d have to go with the rhyno here. But this rhyno is getting older. It’s gone soft a little from running for State Representative in Michigan.  And the Lone Wolf is ready to take advantage.

That is impressive, I don’t care who you are.

The match is pretty good, actually, rivaling anything these two put together while in NXT. Back and forth, hard-hitting action. 

Rhyno goes for the Gore and gets kicked in the teeth, but comes right back with a belly to belly.

These two behemoths slug it out for a while, but when Corbin hits the End of Days, it’s OVAH.

The rhyno now lying unconscious, the lone wolf walks away. He did not start this fight for food, or to prove his dominance. He beat the rhyno, because he can.

I love Baron Corbin. Is there … is there something wrong with me?

WINNER: Baron Corbin via slamming a bigger man’s face into the canvas.

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Main Event Final Verdict:

Corbin vs Rhyno is the first good match on one of the C shows since the draft.  I’m not holding my breath while waiting for the second. 7 out of 10.

Until Next Time, I’ve been Alex Pawlowski
and this is me watching Superstars this week.

You can follow me on Twitter @pawlowskithe4th.