RAW RESULTS 8/1: Brock Lesnar Returns, Seth Rollins vs Sami Zayn, A Reigns-Rusev Feud Brewing?

Welcome to the LIVE COVERAGE OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW!
Now with Disqus!

That’s right people, now you can sound off in the comments section below and debate the merits of the booking decisions like a real professional wrestling journalist!

In case you missed my recap of last week’s action, you can read it here.

On Tonight’s Episode:

• Brock Lesnar makes his return, alongside the newly re-signed Paul Heyman.
  Who will bear the brunt of The Beast’s ALLEGED Roid Rage?
  Bo Dallas? The Shining Stars? The Hottest Free Agent in Sports Entertainment Today, Rhyno? Heath Slater?
• After the greatest Raw debut in history, what does Finn Balor have planned for an encore?
  And will Seth Rollins heel all over it?
• How are Sasha and Charlotte preparing for Round 2, recently announced for Summerslam?
  Will Dana Brooke pay for her heater incompetence last week?
• Who will be the new #1 Contender for Rusev’s United States Title?
  Will Lana show up for Raw in her wedding dress?
• How will The New Day respond to Gallows & Anderson’s attack last week?
  Will Sonny Boy make another appearance? (Please say No.)
• What middle-school-P.E.-teacher-with-two-hands-and-a-dream will Braun Strowman crush into dust tonight?
• Is Roman Reigns still in the Big-Dog House?
  Will he be booked to lose to James Ellsworth this week? (Please say Yes.)

My name is Alex Pawlowski aka The A Train, and I’ll be your WWE sherpa through all of tonight’s festivities.

You kiddos play nice in the commentary section, okay?

Here we go…

–Sasha is out first to a huge pop, to address her throngs of adoring fans. The announce team promotes Sasha’s rematch with Charlotte for Summerslam.

Sasha is interrupted by Charlotte, who comes down to the ring wearing a red and gold robe. She looks like Ming the Merciless.

The crowd starts chanting “You tapped out!” Charlotte is perturbed.

Sasha taunts Charlotte. “Where’s your little lap dog, Dana?”

Charlotte says she doesn’t need any help to beat Sasha at Summerslam (are Dana and Charlotte done?).

Charlotte says that she was the Champ for over 300 days, and Sasha’s championship run is just a “one night stand.”

Sasha says that Charlotte is probably the result of a one night stand.

Chris Jericho comes out and reads the riot act to Sasha. (I don’t really know why.)

Enzo comes out (by himself) and hits on Sasha, saying he wan’t to make a Certified G deposit at the Sasha Bank.

They do “how you doin” back and forth a while, until they are interrupted by Charlotte who says that from what she’s heard, when it comes to Enzo’s love life, theres only one word to describe him…

Enzo and Jericho have words. It’s entertaining but I definitely would like to see some wrestling soon.

Mick Foley enters. He says he is a Certified GM.

HE MAKES A MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH.

Did I get hit on the head and wake up during an episode of Lucha Underground?

Jericho and Charlotte vs Sasha and Enzo.

And that match …………………………………… STARTS RIGHT NOW.

Sasha & Enzo Amore vs Charlotte & Chris Jericho

Kevin Owens is on commentary. He has stolen Byron Saxton’s tie. This, I can tell, is going to be one of the best parts of the night.

The first segment of the match is the babyfaces in firm control. Jericho and Charlotte are both tossed to the outside, and Enzo & Sasha perform suicide dives in stereo.

Commercial time.

Back from the break and Enzo is in peril. Sasha is waiting for the hot tag, but she’s like two feet shorter than his normal partner.

Enzo gets put in the Walls of Jericho but he manages to get to the ropes.

Enzo goes for his jump from the top rope DDT, but gets caught with a dropkick.

The women are tagged in, and Sasha is a tornado of running dropkicks and flying clotheslines. She’s distracted by Dana Brooke who materializes out of thin air at ringside, and then by Jericho, who receives a slap across the face for his efforts.

Charlotte lands Natural Selection on Sasha and gets the win.

WINNER: Charlotte by Pinfall.

After the match, Enzo checks on Sasha and Jericho gives him a Codebreaker. Cass finally comes down to the ring (where were you, dude? playing videogames with Xavier Woods?) and scares off Jericho. Chris leaves with Dana and Charlotte, arm in arm like Dorothy, The Scarecrow and The Tin Man in the world’s weirdest production of The Wizard of Oz.

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Braun Strowman vs Another Dude Who Immediately Regrets His Life Choices

I like how Braun’s music starts with him screaming the name of the brand he represents:

RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He destroys some poor schmoe named Evan Anderhold and gives him the Reverse Chokeslam.

Evan Anderhold is no James Ellsworth.

WINNER: Braun Strowman via Pinfall.

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Stephanie and Mick backstage talking about stuff.

Mark Henry shows up. Steph puts him over as the WWE’s ambassador to the Rio Olympic Games.

Mark Henry wants to re-open the Hall of Pain (!) but Stephanie says she hoped he would serve more in a mentor capacity.

Mark Henry wants have one more run. Mick Foley makes a match with Rusev for the US Title for later tonight.

Mark might have to change his name to Machka Henry.

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The Golden Truth vs The Shining Stars

This match wasn’t a match. It was a terrible comedy skit.

Golden Truth lose because R-Truth is “playing Pokemon Go” on the apron, and isn’t paying attention when Goldust tries to make the tag.

I don’t think the writers know how to play Pokemon Go.

I hated this.

WINNER: Shining Stars via Pinfall.

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Michael Cole has an in-ring interview segment with Finn Balor.

The interview has barely started and Seth Rollins’ music hits. Seth dismisses Michael Cole and takes over the interview.

Seth puts over Finn Balor by saying he’s great, but not as great as Seth.

Seth compares Finn to a Hollywood reboot, like the Ghostbusters. Seth says he is Bill Murray and Finn is Melissa McCarthy.

(It’s about ethics in Gaming Journalism.)

Seth makes a joke about how much the Atlanta Braves suck and the fans actually start doing the Tomahawk Chop because Atlanta fans, am I right?

Seth and Finn have words about whose ass will be handed to whom at Summerslam.

Seth is going one on one with Sami Zayn tonight and he says he’ll prove what he can do in that match.

Seth goes for a cheap shot sucker punch and Finn blocks it, hits Seth with “the overhead kick” because that’s totally what it’s called.

*sigh*

I hate you, Michael Cole.

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Rusev vs Mark Henry for The United States Title

I made a joke that Lana should announce Rusev’s entrance while wearing a wedding dress and I am a prophet.

Rusev demands that he is introduced first. I love Rusev. May he reign forever.

I don’t think Rusev should be able to put Henry in the Accolade so we’ll see how they finish this.

Mark Henry starts the match by showing off his power, tossing Rusev around the ring like a cruiserweight.

We go to commercial.

Back from commercial and somehow Rusev is in the driver’s seat now.

He tries to put Henry in the Accolade but Henry powers out.

Henry nails Rusev with a clothesline, then goes for another, but Rusev ducks it and nails him with a spinning heel kick.

Two big kicks to the back of the neck later, Rusev puts Henry in the Accolade and he taps.

WINNER: Rusev by Submission.

After the match, Rusev cuts a promo about how no man can beat him and take “his United States Champion away from me.”

Then…

BAH GAWD THAT’S ROMAN REIGNS’S MUSIC!!!!!!!!

Roman comes down wearing a new red trimmed version of his ring gear and gets in Rusev’s face. Rusev tries to walk around him, but Roman won’t let him. Rusev attacks and gets the best of Roman for a second, but Roman hits flying clothesline, then a Superman Punch on the outside.

Rusev vs Roman Reigns at Summerslam? That something I could interest you in?

____________________________________________________________________

Darren Young vs Titus O’Neil

A match between former tag team partners. Always good.

They play a video from the Raw Pre-Show where Titus says he likes the whole “make Darren Young great again” angle, but when exactly was Darren Young great?

TITUS HEEL TURN CONFIRMED

He also works heel in the ring, tossing D.Y. around like a rag doll and talking trash.

He wins with roll-up, getting a fistful of tights in the process.

I LIKE TITUS AS A HEEL YOU GUYS.

WINNER: Titus O’Neil by Pinfall.

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Oh good another segment with Steph and Mick backstage.

Hooray.

Sheamus interrupts whatever it was they were talking about and says how dare you give a title match to Mark Henry. What about Sheamus?

Cesaro interrupts and says that nobody cares about Sheamus (Cesaro is right) and that Cesaro is the one deserving of a push.

Steph says that they’ve heard about how disgruntled the two of them were about their draft status.

Foley says that Cesaro’s shoulder was a big question mark which is why he fell so far in the draft.

So how about this, says Mick. You two have a match tonight and you have the chance to show us something.

Whoever wins, gets a future title shot.

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Bob Backlund and Titus O’Neil screaming at each other backstage.

Titus says “you better calm down before I knock your old ass out.”

In comes Darren Young to save the day, hitting Titus with an elbow.

“NOBODY TALKS TO MY LIFE COACH THAT WAY!!!” He has to be restrained by Backlund.

I don’t know why, but I am all in for this feud.

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Nia Jax vs Local Competitor (Ariel Monroe?)

Miss Monroe is unimpressed.

That is until Nia DESTROYS her with a fireman’s carry into a front slam.

Nia covers her with a single foot on her abdomen.

WINNER: Nia Jax by Pinfall.

Can’t wait to see Nia do this kind of thing to Summer Rae.

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The New Day vs Gallows & Anderson

The Club has agreed to a match on the condition that one of the three members of the New Day is barred from ringside.

They drew fruit out of a burlap sack. (!) Kofi and E got oranges. Woods got the shaft, er, I mean, a banana.

They promote their butthole themed cereal on live television because sometimes the world gives you a ray of sunlight on a dreary day.

Gallows and Anderson come down to the ring and Woods leaves up the ramp.

Anderson takes control in the matchup with the help of Gallows pulling Kofi off the apron.

The Club engage in a Too Sweet, and Big E gets the flash schoolboy roll-up on Anderson.

The match, for serious, lasts about 45 seconds.

WINNER: The New Day by Pinfall.

After the match, The Club decimates all three members of the New Day, especially picking on Big E, giving him two Boots of Doom. Or would the plural be “Boot of Dooms”?

Regardless, Gallows & Anderson then wishbone Big E and pull him testicle-first into the ring post, and they leave the New Day laying, scattered all around ringside.

After the break, there is a live look-in backstage with Medical personnel tending to E, his teammates asking what’s wrong with him, and E writhing around like his insides are on fire, saying “I’m fine!”

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Cesaro vs Sheamus

These two guys love to throw their weight around, and they get to do just that in this match.

It’s back and forth for a while, then Cesaro goes for an uppercut party and Sheamus rolls to the outside. Cesaro hits a cannonball off the apron, and Sheamus is able to throw Cesaro into the ringpost, bad-shoulder-first. Sheamus controls for a while, hitting his 10 beats of the Bodhran and just basically trying to kill Ceasro by throwing him at the canvas. Cesaro is able to hit his springboard uppercut, but Sheamus won’t go away. Then Cesaro somehow counters a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker into a Neutralizer for the 1-2-3.

WINNER: Cesaro by Pinfall.

Back from the break and dozens of performance center guys are moonlighting as security and trying to separate Cesaro and Sheamus.

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Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal are in the ring, with Slater saying he’s getting the band back together.

2MB IS BACK BAY-BAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh no wait, no they’re not. Mick Foley comes out and says that he has one spot available on the roster, and they can compete for it.

Mahal immediately kicks Slater in the face. Mahal wins a contract on Raw.

Mahal appears to be wearing two pieces of a three piece leisure suit.

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Tim Todd Tom Phillips interviews Chris Jericho backstage about his kerfuffle with Enzo and Cass tonight.

He says he’s going to be fine because he’s got somebody to watch his back.

Who?

Jim … Jimmen … Marv … Marvenlooten

Jimmen Marvenlooten?

Yeah, haven’t you ever heard of Jimmen Marvenlooten? Toughest guy west of Winnipeg.

(CAMERA PANS OVER TO KEVIN OWENS)

That’s a made up name. That person doesn’t exist. But that’s okay, Chris because I’ve got your back.

JERI-KO CONFIRMED (probably)

JERI-KO vs ENZO & CASS AT SUMMERSLAM CONFIRMED (maybe)

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Seth Rollins vs Sami Zayn

It’s back and forth to start. After the action spills to the outside for a bit, Sami goes to the top rope and Seth catches him, crotches him on the turnbuckle. Commercial.

Back from the break and Zayn’s in a chinlock. He fights out of it, gets bucklebombed for his troubles. Zayn hits a wicked clothesline, then nails a Michinoku Driver for a 2 count. Then a Blue Thunder Bomb for another near fall.

Rollins hits an Enzuigiri, but Zayn gets his rope-walk tornado DDT, then his somersaut tope con hilo.

Rollins avoids the Helluva Kick and immediately nails Sami with the Pedigree.

WINNER: Seth Rollins by Pinfall.

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BROCK LESNAR AND PAUL HEYMAN TALK ABOUT STUFF

Paul Heyman starts out being awesome as per usual.

He calls Lesnar the Beast of the Brocktagon, which is just about the dopest thing ever.

Not to be confused with Brock Lesnar, who is the most doped up thing ever.

Brock comes out to a pretty big pop.

Heyman launches into his shpiel. Brock is entertaining because Brock is violent. Brock is not here for your New Era, he cares not for your “authority figures,” he’s here to kick Randy’s ass, and that’s it.

Heyman is the best in the world at putting over one guy by putting over the other guy. The best. IN THE WORLD.

He’s also pretty good at this kind of thing: “If the voices in your head aren’t telling you this, take it from me, take it from the wise old Jew, Brock Lesnar is going to kick your ass and drag you down to Suplex City.”

He thn says that the only chance Orton has to make it out of Summerslam alive is by hitting the RKO. But that doesn’t matter, because he’ll never hit an RKO on Lesnar.

CUE RANDY ORTON HITTING AN RKO OUT OF NOWHERE.

Randy celebrates for a bit, then hightails it up the arena steps as approximately 75 referees come down to ringside and Stephanie makes angry faces on the ramp.

Brock is back on his feet and seemingly totally fine about 20 seconds after receiving an RKO that he was definitely not expecting.

GET HYPE FOR SUMMERSLAM FOLKS.

I know I am.

Until next week, I’ve been Alex Pawlowski and thanks for following along.

Don’t forget to read my Uncooked Raw Reaction, published on Fightful.com tomorrow.